BLUE STORIES
Here are a selection of the inspiring stories that have been shared with The Blue Stories Project: journeys out of perinatal depression in collaboration with Perinatal Support Nelson in the Nelson region. Ngā mihi nui to all who have contributed.
“Talk, share, seek help. Everyone's experience is different. You will find the best way for you and your family.” - Joy
It’s difficult to pinpoint a particular time when PND began for me with our second child. It’s blurred. Looking back, I think it was there from the beginning, the result of not fully recovering from a very long and difficult labour. Among the many moments of joy, wonder and magic that a new baby brings, it can be hard to admit to yourself that a sadness has crept in. Hard to distinguish this even from your knowledge that “of course having a new-born and a toddler is tiring”. But sleep deprivation can be brutal, leaving you feeling depleted and anxious. I’ve never been good without enough sleep!
I had incredible love and support from my husband, without whom (and with no family in town) I don’t know how I would have got through. Perinatal Support Nelson also offered some great advice, reminding me of the importance of taking some time for myself, which I did when I could. “You can’t pour from an empty vessel”. Nevertheless, around seven months after the birth I realised the sadness wasn’t really shifting. It had become pervasive, sometimes turning into a sense of anger. For my family’s sake, but also for myself, I didn’t want that to continue. It wasn’t a decision made lightly but, after talking with my GP, I decided to try medication. Anti-depressants weren’t the only factor in recovering (my husband’s understanding and hands-on parenting was a huge factor, as was talking with close friends, self-care and gradually getting better sleeps) but, I remain very grateful for the short period in my life when they helped me turn a corner. After eight months of taking them, I felt able to move forward without them. They helped me to shift the sadness enough to feel a return to my old self and to feel much stronger in coping with the challenges, demands and beauty of motherhood.
Joy
“Spend time in Nature. Set yourself small goals.” - Kim
I had three key people who helped me through. My Mum - who visited often and always bought food and the opportunity for me to catch up on much needed sleep (I was so sleep deprived!). My Husband - who would often message me on his way home from work and tell me to get ready to go for a bike ride. I remember once he literally walked me to the door and told me I was only allowed back after I'd been riding for 20 minutes (knowing full well that by that time I'd probably be enjoying myself again). My amazing counsellor, Helen, at PSN who visited me every week. With her I was able to let out everything I was holding in while I tried to keep going. All of those negative thoughts that keep getting stuck in my head. She realised quickly I was very goal orientated. She helped me set small personal goals, one per day (often something as easy as "have a nap"), a bigger one for each week ("go for a nature walk") and a bigger one for each month ("enter a bike race"). I stuck them on the fridge and my husband helped me follow them. A lot of my goals related to either allowing myself to rest, which I struggle with, or spending time in nature. These things really helped with the loss of identity I was feeling and the fear that I had surrounding my recovery from a birth injury.
Kim
“It's not who you really are - it’s just a chemical imbalance that can be cured. So don't feel bad - get help!” - Bridget
I didn't really 'get out of it' because I never knew I had it! 25 years ago in the UK no one was talking about PND. I just thought I was a bad person. I tried keeping my unhappiness from my friends and family and isolated myself. Eventually things morphed and life situations changed and I just grew to live with my feelings. The worst thing is the shame that lingers - the shame of being unhappy around a gorgeous new being - the shame of being a bad mum! I live with a sense of regret that I was not able to enjoy those precious years more.
Bridget
“You are not alone. You will get through this. Your life is valuable and you are loved.” - Anonymous
I had perinatal depression after the birth of all three of my children. It went undiagnosed after the births of my first and second child. After the birth of my third child it was so much worse and I contemplated and planned to end my life many times. I was lucky enough when I reached out for help that the DHB mental health team services were available. I had help from mental health nurses, psychologists, medication and my wonderful GP. I was also blessed with a wonderful husband and a very supportive family. My journey through depression took time, self-care, patience and understanding. I learnt that prioritizing myself was not a selfish thing, that in fact it was of paramount importance so that I could be the mother, wife and person I wanted to be. In the early days as I was finding my way through this was as simple as making time to shower every morning and getting adequate sleep. Today it looks like reading, dancing, meditating, listening to music, spending time with friends and anything else that nourishes my soul. Perinatal depression is not a road that is easily travelled but it has taught me things about myself and my life that I am immeasurably grateful for.
Anonymous
“Be kind to yourself. You are enough.” - Lysanne
In 2018 after years of infertility I got pregnant with my daughter. I couldn't have been happier. I was planning on a very natural pregnancy and a home water birth using hypnobirthing but life had other plans. I was sick (nausea & vomiting) till 25 weeks, and had some other scares (hemmoraging) till 17 weeks and some other weird things, causing me stress. At 34 weeks I got diagnosed with preeclampsia and I was in and out of hospital with high blood pressure. Because I was getting so unwell, and the baby stopped growing, they decided to induce me at 36 weeks. After 48hrs they had to get the baby out with an emc and I was close to having a seizure. I had a tiny baby girl. I got to see her very briefly before she got whisked off and I nearly bled out on the table. Twenty-four hours later I had a pulmonary embolism, which was wrongfully diagnosed and took several hrs to figure out. I don't have much memory of the following night, where I had to be woken up every hour to check my stats. After that it was a rollercoaster of complications. Blood thinners caused a hematoma, which caused my caesarean wound to open up, needing 2 more surgeries and 8 weeks on a pump I had to carry with me everywhere. I had to inject myself with blood thinners for 6 months. My daughter and I spent 3 weeks in hospital. I missed a lot of those 3 weeks as I was fighting to get better. I also struggled to breastfeed, which I gave myself a very hard time about.
My family is all overseas and despite support from my daughter’s dad, and my friends, I think being away from them made it all more difficult.
Lysanne
“There is so much help, support and love for you out in the world. It feels hard to do, but please ask for help if you are struggling.” - Sophie
I had postnatal depression after the birth of my first daughter. Our birth experience was quite traumatic and very different to what I had hoped for. I then had real difficulty getting breastfeeding started. My mental state kept going downhill as the weeks and months of sleep deprivation wore on. I was in denial about being depressed for a long time. Then I remember one day having suicidal thoughts and realising that what I was experiencing wasn’t just “the blues”... I was depressed.
So I sought help. My GP prescribed me with anti-depressants, which I took for a few months until I felt more able to cope. She also put me in touch with Perinatal Support Nelson, and the most wonderful counsellor came to see me at home for 10 sessions. I then had a further series of counselling with another therapist. It turned out I had PTSD from my birth experience. I was also grieving for my own mother, who died when I was a teenager. Something about becoming a mother triggered a re-opening of that grief. So there were a few layers for me to investigate and work on!
My father once said to me “oh yes, your mum was always really bad after each of you were born” and I became determined not to go through the same thing. So I carried on with my healing journey. I found EFT with a skilled therapist immensely helpful. And during my second pregnancy I took a hypnobirthing class, helping me to connect in a more positive way with my own body and move past the trauma associated with the first birth. I am very happy that I did not experience PND after my second child was born. It was a hard road but I’m so glad I did the work and recovered.
Sophie
“Keep looking for the right help; not all help is helpful and that's ok.” - Kim
It hasn't been a linear journey through PND. It’s not like it just finishes one day and everything is ok. Things change and even though I wouldn't consider myself to be depressed anymore. I still have a lot of repair work to do on my relationships (because I isolated myself and withdrew), myself (cos I can be pretty mean to myself sometimes), my career, which is pretty much down the tubes, and also with my kids cos my depression and anxiety came out as irritability....all this means there's still lots of work for me to do. I found formal support not very helpful personally. An hour of counselling was hard to manage as I had to ask favours for child minding and travel and pack bags and lunches and park and it turned into 2 or 3 hours work then left me emotionally fatigued on top of that. I'm sure it's helpful for some people but I found it difficult being told to prioritize time for myself when there just wasn't any and it came with a perceived high mental labour cost. Now my youngest is in kindy and I haven't been pressured into returning to full-time paid work. I have found a creative outlet which has given me the most healing. I did a night class to learn how to throw pots, which I paid for with my mums credit card... still haven't paid her back actually....
The quiet that filled my brain while I concentrated on centering clay and forming a usable vessel was a really welcome relief. Even when I was resting my mind was doing mental arithmetic; planning for tomorrow, worrying about kids and family, the future, recycling, global warming, shark fin soup and existential dread cos I'm pretty sure there's more to life than searching for domestic bliss from folded washing and a clean bench....
I have always been arty but I felt most of it was a bit too self-indulgent. So pottery is creative and at the end I have a useful thing....which people want to buy... so it’s paying for itself and bringing in a wee bit of income for the family at the same time as melting my brain to a soft spongy content neutral. It’s wonderful. And possibly the only thing that has helped me feel normal again after a long time of PND and subsequent grief from the sudden death of my little brother.
I have been making pottery for a year now and I'm really good at it. Check out my page on Instagram- @earthenceramicsaotearoa.
Kim
“Hold on to the things that give you hope.” - Natalie
Motherhood hit me before I felt prepared, as my baby arrived two weeks early, barely one weekend after finishing work. It took the wind out of me. One week in, and we were back in the hospital with jaundice and breast feeding issues. My entire world narrowed down to me, my baby, and feeding in a little hospital room. Even after we went home, I regularly wept. I felt like I should be coping better, but I wasn’t. My hubby was also adjusting, and with my close family overseas, I relied on a few good friends, some extended family, and my church family for help, but they were limited in how much support they could give. Asking for help was hard, especially since even admitting I was struggling was difficult. My faith in God saw me through it all, trusting that He knew my struggles and saw me and cared about me in my weakness and loneliness. I also got some counselling through Perinatal Support, and I joined a mums’ support group, which helped me see that my struggles were not unfounded or completely unique. Gradually over the next few months, the tearful moments happened less and less often, and I could enjoy being a mum to my beautiful baby more.
Natalie
“You are perfect as you are. Ask for help if you don’t feel right. You are important.” - Karolina
It came to me suddenly, a dark cloud of sadness and negative thoughts which paralysed my body and mind. It came to me during the blessing time of pregnancy. Nearly four years ago I suffered perinatal depression (PND) during the pregnancy of my second child. There was no logic in my thoughts and little energy left to enjoy life. I met the dark side of myself, the black, haunted dog, which didn’t want to live. I was lucky to realise that these feelings weren’t right, as I do love life. I called for help to my GP and then to Perinatal Support Nelson. I went through my therapy with support of my partner, our family and friends. My counsellor listened to me, and questioned my ‘out-speaking’ thoughts. She challenged me with weekly tasks which sometimes made me angry, but then resilient. I had to find myself once again as I felt a strong loss of my identity.
I spent lots of time walking as it gave me space and time to think and process my emotions. The physical movement always makes me happy. I’m an active person. I recovered and embraced my love to my children, my partner and to myself. I found unknown strengths in my PND experience. Being a woman, being an emigrant, being an artist and being a mum - it’s who I am. And it’s enough. I had to learn that it was enough, and I had to learn to be happy with it. And I did.
Karolina
“The thoughts you are having are not uncommon. In fact it’s astonishing how many women have gone through some form of perinatal depression. So ask for help, don’t feel ashamed. And be sure to make some time for yourself and your special ‘fix’.” - Paul
It’s hard to really understand what a partner going through parental depression is really thinking. Our children were quite simply bundles of joy and happiness in their infancy (and still are!). We certainly had a lack of sleep and challenges, but to me this was just parenthood and something all parents went through. It was upsetting and frustrating for me. There was no apparent reason for this depression my partner was experiencing and I felt helpless to resolve anything. Looking back, I wish I could have done more. But really, I don’t know what that could have been. I gave all I could. Time, space, love, care. It only helped momentarily. The effects on me were varied. Most of the time I was able to go on and be the parent and partner I needed to be. To care and support was really all I could do. But my own social life and wellbeing deteriorated somewhat because of it. I gave every opportunity for timeout to my partner to get away and clear the head, but to take that time myself was a bit harder considering I already spent 5 days a week 9 hours a day out of the house. I felt I needed to be there as much as I could to help.
We didn’t have any mental health support for my partner during the time of our first child. We didn’t even know it was perinatal depression. Looking back, my partner doesn’t remember the joy and happiness I recall. What helped make a difference was when I had a fairly serious and unfortunate accident, which actually set the wheels in motion for change. As a result I was required to stay home for 3 months and it meant that we were all together, all the time, working through parenthood. This time together helped with working out the challenges my partner faced and how to work towards improving things.
When we had our second child, a surprise, 7 years after our first, it was met with apprehension by my partner. Loss of freedom, sleepless nights again, etc. This anxiety grew and grew. But we did have support this time. I think our midwife must have put us onto Perinatal Support Nelson. Knowing that my partner was able to speak to someone who knew what she was going through made a huge difference and I didn’t feel so helpless. We were eventually able to move on and enjoy our child’s youth together, while also finding a way to recharge and enjoy our spare time. For me, it was mountain biking.
Paul
“The only mum your child needs is YOU. Not anyone else's version of you as a mother. You may be a mother now, but you were a woman first, and you still are. Don't lose that.” - Jessica
I slowly relinquished the expectations I had about what would make me a perfect mum for my daughter. Breast-feeding didn't work for us, neither did cloth nappies, nor did me staying at home with her 100% of the time. Eventually, I realised that the best mum for her, was a mum being her best self, not the one I was seeing in social media who definitely wasn't me. So I started singing again, I started finding babysitters to allow me to leave the house, I switched to formula so that I could share night feeding, and I put her into preschool before she was one so that both of us could thrive.Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.
Jessica