BLUE STORIES
Here are a selection of the inspiring stories that have been shared with The Blue Stories Project: journeys out of perinatal depression in collaboration with True Colours - Honouring the Mother in the Bay of Plenty region. Ngā mihi nui to all who have contributed.
“Be kind to ourselves. Notice the signs of overwhelm and set “stop” and take breaks. By caring for ourselves we teach our children to care for themselves too.” - Xingfang (Rachel) Cai
When I had my first child, my parents were able to come and support me. I felt very active and enjoyed my life with a baby very much. After my second child was born, my parents couldn’t come to New Zealand as the Covid-19 pandemic had already started. I started to feel anxious and stressed just after the baby was born. I heard about postnatal depression. I knew that I was feeling quite down after the birth, but I wasn’t sure whether it was depression. I was feeling mentally low, especially when I was alone with my baby in the evenings. I thought I might be recovered when I felt cheerful with other mums. I felt up and down all the time until my Plunket nurse noticed my anxiety and restlessness. She suggested I go and see my GP.
Fortunately, there are more talks about postnatal depression in China, but it was not easy for me to find any information about the treatment for recovery online. I contacted the Mother Helpers, and they sent me a booklet about postnatal depression. I found lots of useful information, including keeping exercising regularly, doing some counseling and keeping a good nutritious diet, in that booklet. This information gave me confidence that I would feel better and recover if I followed their recommendations.
I also joined a postnatal support workshop where I learnt that it’s important to take short breaks, little rests and set small and realistic goals. I find it very helpful to take little breaks to remain calm.
I’m learning to adjust my goals, perspective and adapt to a slower pace of life. It was a huge adjustment for me, as my culture has been advocating diligence and courage. Now I know, I wouldn’t work as hard as before to pursue career success, but would work harder to keep a more balanced lifestyle and do more things to keep me active and cheerful.
当大宝出生的时候，我爸爸妈妈从千里之外来到我们的小家帮忙。我一直充满能量，看到小婴儿欢欣鼓舞，带着宝宝和父母常常出游。我很少感到疲惫，特别享受有了孩子的时光。当我二宝出生的时候，正好赶上了新冠爆发国门关闭。家人无法来帮忙，孩子一出生，同时带大宝和二宝的我，常常陷入焦虑、难过的情绪，尤其夜晚和二宝单独待在卧室的时候，就很想哭。我听说过产后抑郁，我也清楚二宝出生后我有些抑郁。但白天和朋友妈妈在一起，我能偶尔欢笑，觉得自己好像好起来了。因此不确定我是不是产后抑郁了。这种抑郁情绪反反复复，直到Plunket的护士注意到我的焦虑和反常，她建议我去看GP。
幸运的是中国国内也有越来越多关于产后抑郁的讨论。但网上对于产后抑郁的治疗和恢复方法少之又少。我经GP建议，联系到了Mother helper的咨询机构。咨询师发给我关于产后抑郁的详细介绍，只要坚持锻炼，经常心理咨询，保持健康的饮食，抑郁症就会恢复。这给了我康复的信心和动力。但得知抑郁症后大脑神经永久变化，以后抑郁的概率会大幅增加，这一点令我久久不能释怀。
我还加入了一个产后抑郁小组，在那里我学习到该怎么恰当的放松、休息，以及怎样计划很小并切合实际的目标，比如在太阳下喝杯茶、每周跑步10分钟等等。及时休息能够让我在陪伴孩子时更容易保持冷静。
治疗抑郁对我来说，是个重大的转变过程。我的文化倡导勤勉和奋进，我也从之前雄心勃勃、高强度的生活中慢下来，降低对事业的期望，给予身体和心灵更多恢复。抑郁不分体质和性格，最根本还是因为过于劳累而身心透支。现在，我觉得也许我不能像从前那么拼命工作了，但会学习更加努力地生活，多做自己喜欢并能让自己恢复能量的事，这也许意味着我会拥有更平衡更幸福的生活。
Xingfang (Rachel) Cai
“It’s OK to ask for help and support.” - Serena
My story started when I was three months postpartum and had big struggles with breastfeeding and all general mothering. One day, I felt that I wanted to leave my family, my child. I had that feeling over the week, then my Pēpi Ora Plunket came to check on me. I burst into tears and shared with her my emotions. She referred me to the maternal mental health service through the hospital.
I started on medication, and a nurse came to check on me weekly for a year. It was great to meet her weekly and know that somebody was there for me. I got good enough to try for another baby, but I had very bad anxiety throughout my pregnancy. Also the pregnancy was a difficult one with a few complications. I was challenged physically as well. I was automatically referred to the maternal mental health service, as I already received help from them in the past. Straight away I went on medication, as still pregnant, and a nurse was checking on me weekly once again. It was the same nurse, which was great, as we already had a strong relationship established.
My second birth was very healing. We decided not to know the sex of the baby before the birth. It added a positive feeling to the birth experience. The second time I knew that I could ask for help, and I knew what I needed from people. I could ask for direct help. And Iife slowly got easier. I discovered that being in nature gives me energy, perspective and calms me down. These days I go for bushwalks to feel better whenever I need it.
Serena
“Know who your village is and don’t be afraid to reach out.” - Mel
My pregnancy was very straightforward and myself and my husband were excited to have this unknown little human joining our family. Towards my due date there was excitement, fear of the unknown, anxiety… all the usual emotions. After my daughter was born and I finally held her all I felt was love. We were a family of 3 and the future looked bright. It didn’t take long before my thoughts changed. I still loved my daughter but felt as though I was failing her as mum, that I couldn’t provide for her what she needed. Breastfeeding was a struggle from the outset. Despite help from our wonderful midwife, the nursing staff in hospital and referrals to the lactation consultants, nothing worked. I was drinking all of the potions, teas, munching all the helpful foods to no avail. There were so many tears. Our families arrived in the coming weeks, I had so much support, but I could not feed my child as I wanted to and felt I should have been able to. It was all I could think of. I really felt this impacted on how I bonded (or didn’t) with my baby initially. She didn’t need me, anyone could feed her and I let others take the lead and I distanced myself. I was so hard on myself, and couldn’t enjoy those beautiful moments I had been so looking forward to. My midwife recommended a support group that ran for 6 weeks and it was through this that I discovered True Colours – Honouring the Mother. Finding this support allowed me to share my feelings in a safe place, find others who were also experiencing challenges and feel as though I could talk freely about how I was feeling and know that others were on similar unique journeys of navigating depression. I was not loving my motherhood journey so far. In my opinion, I was a failure. The feelings of guilt and even resentment were real – guilt that I couldn’t breastfeed, guilt that I was so emotional and my husband was working full time and would come home to me crying, and I resented him getting to leave each day. Then once my daughter began daycare at age one, the guilt changed and I felt bad as though I was abandoning her. Her daycare family have been extremely supportive and we have created some strong bonds there and I can see her thriving and developing her own special personality and friendships. It took me a long time to accept that my daughter was happy and healthy and she did need me in her life. There are still days now where I can look back at a newborn photo and cry for the relationship I wish I’d had with her, but I look at her face as a toddler and know she is turning out all right. My journey is by no means over, I still attend meetings at True Colours as often as I can. I now know how important it is to look after myself. I am a better mum and have a better relationship with my daughter and husband when I take some time to nurture myself.
Motherhood is a hard journey. Every day has its challenges but I am so grateful that I am here and get to see the beautiful human we have created blossoming into her own person. I know she wouldn’t be the same without me, and she has changed me forever.
Mel
“The way you feel and reason when you are sleep deprived does not define you as a person or mum. No human being can function the way we want (or are expected to) without proper rest. Do all you can to get sleep and don't feel bad about it.” - Camilla
Ever since I was a child, I had been looking forward to having my own kids and creating my own family. I managed to hold on until I was about 28 when I had my first child, a little boy. Finally my dream had come true and it was my turn! Already at the hospital, after his birth, things started to go downhill. My son would never sleep, he was screaming throughout the nights and he was always extremely upset, angry, miserable. He did not start smiling when he was 'supposed to', he was never happy or at peace. No one understood why, and we still don't, but it went on for years. I was a wreck, I never slept and someone was always screaming in my ears and made me feel like I was useless and clueless. I gave birth to his sister after two years and she was the opposite, which made me realise that it was nothing I did wrong. That was a relief for me, to let go of some of the guilt. I felt so lonely during those first years, my family lives on the other side of the world and my partner had to work a lot to support us. The sleep deprivation was the worst and it changed me as a person, I did not recognise myself.
Camilla
“Talk with someone you love and trust, and ask them to check in on you if they notice that you aren’t yourself. Build tools that you know work for you, and tell your friends what they are, so they can help you use those tools when you need it.” - Steph
Just before falling pregnant my work circumstances changed, and I was unemployed. My husband and I were suddenly on one income, and I had to figure out how to secure my paid parental leave entitlements through self employment. From around week four of my pregnancy, I was suffering chronic abdominal pain, and was waking every two hours at night in pain. I had experienced depression once in the past, and could feel my mental health slipping again. I was lucky to have a trusting relationship with my GP, and booked in to see her. She knew what was going on, and we were able to discuss what steps to take to help me through the rest of my pregnancy, and postpartum. We decided the medication that had worked in the past was the best course of action, as well as looking at things I could do daily to help lift me out of the fog. I had two beautiful pets at home, a dog who got me out of the house for walks on the beach, and a cat who would come and kiss away my tears. I was home alone for most of the day, and these two were my biggest source of company and companionship. Because this wasn’t the first time I had experienced depression, I already had a few tools I could lean on. I was able to talk to family and close friends quite early on.
Steph
“You are not alone in feeling lost, alone and overwhelmed in your transition from woman to mother.” - Sandra
Before children, I had in hindsight shaped my identity on my career and being fit and active. As newborn days turned into the reality of motherhood, I started to have feelings of exhaustion, tired-but-wired, loneliness and questions of, “who am I?” My identity had changed. I had to say goodbye to the old me and figure out who I was/ who I wanted to be.
Early on in the first lockdown, I listened to a podcast about motherhood and stumbled across the word that changed my reality and mental wellbeing. That word is ‘matrescence,’ like ‘adolescence’. It is an acknowledgement of the transition from woman to mother, of the struggles we go through, the loss of identity, and the growth that is possible.
Matrescence allowed my world to come back onto its axis. It made me feel normal, like I wasn’t alone and, most importantly, gave me hope. It allowed me to acknowledge where I was, what I was feeling and allowed me to find tools to help with the struggles. Now, on a daily basis, I have things in my tool box that will help me. Exercise, going for walks or to the gym, journalling, open communication with my partner, asking for help without feeling shame for needing to ask, gratitude, positive affirmation and catching my negative thoughts to reframe them to allow me to soften and be kind to myself, the kids and the situation. To know that in modern motherhood we are set up to feel this way and it is not our fault, it’s huge! Since finding matrescence and myself again, I have had a calling and passion to share this, and the tools I have found helpful, with other mums. I have started to embrace motherhood, to provide groups, safe spaces and coaching to other mums in a similar situation. I have walked this path and I love sharing it with other mums.
Sandra
Embrace Motherhood - Supporting Women Through Motherhood: https://www.embracemotherhood.co.nz/
“Take the first step! As hard as it is to recognise and ask for help or guidance, it really can give you everything you need to 'find your happy' and live your best life! There's always help and support out there and don't ever forget… you matter!!!!” - Belinda
Hi everyone, my name is Belinda and I want to share my story in the hope that if it helps just one person know that they are not alone in their feelings and it's ok to reach out, then I feel it's worth it and hopefully it can make a positive difference.
Many years ago, hubby and I lost our first baby and it hit me so hard to know you go to hospital one day to get a procedure done and walk out no longer being pregnant. The feelings were indescribable but with a one year old, life simply went on as I was constantly needed! Within a year, we were pregnant with our rainbow baby so life was again busy and feelings of worry and concern were definitely strong during the pregnancy. After a safe and happy birth, the feelings got pushed down to deal with the busy life of a newborn and two year old. As I think back, you kind of numb your feelings when you have little ones and carry on with day-to-day tasks and expectations. Fast forward a few years and we were delighted to be pregnant with a little girl. Again, there were worries through the pregnancy but extra checks and a great midwife settled my thoughts and I really enjoyed being pregnant! Feeling the little life in me really gave me a great sense of happiness and I was just delighted each day! Sadly, this came to a heartbreaking end at 21 weeks when we found out our baby had passed away... The whole whānau was just devastated....The tears wouldn't stop flowing and I was angry... I was just sooo gutted to think I had done something wrong again! Why did this happen to us again? What did I do so wrong? Time definitely helps to heal as they say but you really do need some help sometimes and I didn't realise this as I look back.... People would say, “Oh it's ok, just try for another!” Or, “I didn't think you'd be so attached!” Wow... These really cut me deep and I often wondered... how could someone say such hurtful things when someone is clearly already so upset??
We are a Māori whānau so we had a few 'rules' on the family side to think about but we decided it was needed for our healing process to put these aside and do what we needed / wanted to for us! I'm sooo glad we did, we had a little photo shoot with the kids, they made little cards and gave their sister, Sarah-Rose, the most amazing send-off and tangi... All their favorite army men and dinosaurs were buried with her for protection and we have these photos in our hallway, so she is always there. They're very tasteful and subtle so as not to make anyone feel uncomfortable but know she's still part of us as is our other baby.
Going forward, we now have another daughter and she is just the icing on the cake. With her, she's brought so much love and laughter, to what we thought were forever broken hearts, once again. With all this heartache, I was sooo busy, I forgot about me! Realising one day that I couldn't find 'my happy' and I really needed to make a positive change, I said to my hubby...I need to reach out! This isn't me! He was soooo supportive and said... “Do what you need to do babe....” That's all I actually needed to hear!
I got myself onto the course with Michelle and I was instantly made to feel worthy of happiness. It taught me that it's ok to have rough days, it's ok to not get everything done in a day, it's ok to just want a moment to yourself! It's ok to need a breath! Wow... With just a bit of listening, sharing, upskilling and learning different coping ideas, making time for myself to just 'fill my cup' and take a breath.... I've found my happy!!!!! What a feeling.... Doing this course has certainly taught me soooo much and my hope is that I can help others that are feeling like I was to find their happy place too! Life is sooo short and helping others is something I love to do. The first step is to recognise the need. All I can say is… you are worth it! You matter and you are not alone! Please get involved in these groups and have an open mind, take whatever appeals to you to make your world a better place and use the skills they pass on! You deserve to be happy and feel valued!
Belinda
“As a twin mom I say, stay always positive. When you feel down or sad, see your baby.” - Sukhwant kaur Malhi
Hi, this is Sukhwant kaur Malhi. I am a mother of twin baby boys. I am originally from India but moved to New Zealand in 2014. My husband also came, in 2015. We had our lovely twin sons on 28th of November, 2020. They were born premature at 32 weeks and two days, which was expected as they were twins. As I discussed with Michelle, I did not have any perinatal depression but at that time me and my husband were alone with this situation. Our family was in India, during the lockdown the border was closed. I did not feel any fear until I had given birth to my babies because my husband was always with me. As a lucky wife, he took care of me as a mother after my C-section. He took some days off from work to spend time with me and our babies. Since we were in special care in Tauranga, we had a good time as staff were so supportive but the day came when we were going home with babies, we were so excited and happy plus nervous. But once we came home we were not too bad, but no sleep or rest, and my husband again took one month off from work. But when he had to start work, I felt very nervous. Then we met Caroline, a social worker from the Mums4Mum group. They helped me a lot.
Sukhwant kaur Malhi