BLUE STORIES
Here are a selection of the inspiring stories that have been shared with The Blue Stories Project: journeys out of perinatal depression in collaboration with Perinatal Wellbeing Canterbury in the Canterbury region. Ngā mihi nui to all who have contributed.
“You are not a bad parent for needing help. You are teaching your child that it's OK to have feelings, that it’s OK to struggle, that it's OK to need support. And that is such an important lesson for them to learn.” - Amy
I had mild PND after the birth of my first child, but my second was the hardest. After a premature birth with my first, my pregnancy and NICU journey were filled with anxiety after he was also born premature. From the start, I knew I wasn't OK. I didn't do anything for myself, I resented my babies for being born, I felt like my life was ruined. I was never going to get out of the hole I was in, so what was the point. I wavered between thinking everyone would be better off without me, and we would all be better off without my baby.
I asked for help. From everywhere. I had the most incredible support crew, my work as a midwife meant I knew where to go for help. When I was finally accepted by the DHB mental health team, I was an inpatient for five weeks with my son. It was a long five weeks, but the difference between when I was admitted and when I was discharged was incredible. With intensive psychological support, medication adjustments, proper rest, and without the stress of running a household and also parenting a toddler, I had the time to focus on my baby. We had time to get to know each other. I discovered what he liked, what made him laugh, what he didn't enjoy. I learnt to soothe myself so he could be calm.
A year later and I am reflecting on the space I was in a year ago. Completely hopeless, and so close to ending it. Unable to cope with my own children, looking after myself, managing my house. Now, along with raising my two beautiful children, I am working again as a midwife, and as a birth trauma counsellor, and planning on doing a postgraduate certificate including a paper on perinatal mental health. I am using my experience to really hear what people are saying, to empathise, to make sure māmā have the support they need to fill their family and house with love and compassion. I am teaching my children how to identify and accept their feelings, and that it's OK to feel, and OK to talk about what they are going through. And if that isn't growth, I don't know what is.
Amy
“The best thing about rock bottom is the rock part. You discover the solid bit of you. The bit that can’t be broken down further… At our lowest we find the solid ground of our foundation. And we can build ourselves anew.” - Matt Haig - from Emma
It took me a year to realise I was experiencing PND, I thought it was just THIS hard to adjust when you had a baby. I was just about to start working again and I was so looking forward to having some of my old identity back but almost overnight I became incredibly emotional and my anxiety skyrocketed. I was scared to leave the house and scared to be with my son alone as I just didn’t feel like I could manage. I didn’t want him to see his mum like that and I worried it would be damaging for him. It took all my strength to hold myself together around him. When he was napping I cried and cried and then cried some more. I would look in the mirror and I didn’t even recognise the person looking back. I started having incredibly dark thoughts and I concluded my son would be better off if I wasn’t here anymore. By this point I realised I needed to get help but that was easier said than done. I told very few people about what I was experiencing outside my family but I confided in one friend who suggested it may be PND. It felt like I was experiencing a complete breakdown but I had never made that connection. I think I was so far in I couldn’t see the wood for the trees let alone a way out. By the time I realised what was happening it was too late to even find support within the health system. My sister who lives in the UK was amazing and found an organisation called Mothers Helpers who offered a recovery course and counselling. They explained PND could happen at any point up to 5 years post birth. After an assessment they confirmed I was experiencing PND and anxiety along with some PTSD from the birth. It was such a huge relief to realise that I was no longer alone with it all and that someone could help me. During the recovery course I got to meet other women who had their own story to tell and it was comforting to know we were all there for each other. For me there were several things that helped to support my recovery; I started an antidepressant and the dark thoughts gradually disappeared. I had 6 weeks of counselling and explored my feelings around becoming a mum and the trauma I experienced during his birth. Counselling helped me to battle the negative thoughts and come to the realisation that not everyone enjoys the baby years and that is ok, it doesn’t mean I love my son any less. Opening up and just saying, “this is actually really hard and a lot of the time it feels pretty crap,” was quite empowering. I was constantly battling myself and telling myself I should be enjoying every second with my son. I was so used to focusing on him and what made him happy, I had forgotten about myself. I started to think about what would make me happy and how I could find myself again. For me it was really important. I felt I had a purpose other than being someone’s mum so I decided to get back into full time work and my confidence in myself started to come back. I had an amazing support system in my family and partner, who was a rock during this time and continues to be my safe place. It has been a long journey but I am learning how to be the mum that makes both myself and my son happy.
Emma
“Connect to the community and talk to other mums about your feelings. Find a professional worker to support you. Ask other family members and friends to help you. Have a short "just me time" for yourself.” - Anonymous
参加各种社交活动，跟其他的妈妈分享你的感受，你会在其中发现很多人跟你的状况很相近
寻找专业的社工讲叙你的情况，他们会以更专业的角度支持你
勇敢寻求家庭成员或者好友帮助，让自己能拥有纯“自我关怀”的时间
It was 11 years ago, but the memory is very clear. When I gave birth to my second child, it was winter in New Zealand. An earthquake occurred the day after giving birth. I was on the 5th floor and was very worried. Fortunately, everything was fine, we were all safe, but a huge feeling of fear came to my mind. My husband did not know how to take care of me when I got home, and the room was messy. I was in a bad mood, plus my older daughter had not seen me for three days, and she wanted my attention a lot. The child was not sleeping well and cried a lot, plus I was homesick, and slowly I became depressed, and cried when my baby was crying. I felt difficulty establishing a relationship with the baby. I wanted to chat with my good friends. It was easy to lose my patience and I got frustrated when someone asked me why my baby was crying. I was always afraid of not being a good mother and a good wife. I felt helpless but felt shame when I wanted to ask for help. Feeling worthless, guilty, less able to make decisions, and restless- complex emotions around me every day. Then I got worse and worse and I went to the GP and was diagnosed with postpartum depression. I started taking medicine, but the living environment and my cognitive state in my life did not change. I was very worried about not being able to do all kinds of housework and give my baby the best life. I didn't think of taking care of myself first. That was the basic logic in my mind, if everyone feels good then I will be good. I tried to make all the family happy, except myself. One month later, my friends invited me to various baby activities, library activities, and finally I decided to volunteer at Playgroup. My task was to open the door, chat with other mothers, and then close the door. This easy responsibility allowed me to slowly come out of the depression of worthlessness. I thought, “I still can contribute to the community, not just feed the baby, cook, and do everyday housework.” That is all the story for me.
那是11年前的事了，但记忆很清楚。
当我生下第二个孩子时，那是新西兰的冬天。产后第二天发生地震。我在 5 楼，非常担心。幸运的是，一切都很好，我们都很安全，但脑海里总浮现出莫名的巨大的恐惧感。
回到家，老公不知道怎么照顾好一个产妇和婴儿，房间很乱。我心情很低落，总是很想妈妈来到我的身边。大女儿已经三天没见我了，她一直想粘着我。
孩子睡不好，经常哭，加上我很想家，慢慢的我就抑郁了，每次宝宝哭的时候我也跟着哭。我一心想着怎样让她不哭呢？
我觉得很难与孩子建立关系，偶尔有种失联的感觉。我不想和朋友聊天。每当有人问为什么宝宝哭泣时，我就被刺激而感到受挫和沮丧。
我总是害怕当不好一个好母亲和一个好妻子。
当我想寻求帮助时，羞耻感又会随之而来，开口求助是我一个巨大的难题。
当时感觉自己一文不值、内疚、做决定的能力越来越差，焦躁不安，这些复杂而难以承受的情绪每天都环绕身边。
我感觉自己变得越来越糟，去看了医生，被诊断出患有产后抑郁症。
我开始吃药，但生活环境和认知并没有得到改善。我总担心不能完成各种家务，不能给宝宝最好的生活。
我没想过先照顾好自己。我心中的逻辑是：只有每个人都感觉很好，我才会好。我试图让所有的家人都开心，不要让他们看到我的脆弱。
产后一个月，朋友邀请我参加各种婴儿活动、图书馆活动，最后我决定在 Playgroup 做义工。我的任务是开门，和其他妈妈聊天，然后关上门。这份轻松的任务让我慢慢走出了无价值感的抑郁。让我意识到，我仍然可以为社区做出贡献，而不仅仅是喂婴儿、做饭、做日常家务。
这就是我的产后抑郁走出来的故事。
Anonymous
“
You will come out the other side. You may not look the same or feel the same, but you WILL come out and you will be stronger than you know.” - Jessie
Having had depression in my twenties, I had readied myself for getting PND after my first child’s birth but when it didn't happen I naively thought I had avoided it. After the birth of my second child, I found myself in the darkness and despair that is perinatal depression and anxiety. Looking back, there were a number of things that were contributing to this eventual outcome, triggered by a hormonal crash postnatally. I was fortunate to have an amazing family who were able to spot my mental decline and got me into my GP for assessment and support. A seemingly random comment from a friend pointed me in the direction of Perinatal Wellbeing Canterbury (PWC, then PND Canterbury). I sent off a message on FB to the coordinator who invited me along to the weekly support group. This group was a safe place where I could talk about my feelings and not feel bad for feeling them, alongside some amazing other mamas who were walking the road too. Over the course of the year, attending this group and taking medication enabled me to get to a better place mentally. I will never forget the support I received from PWC and am privileged to be able to give back to women of Ōtautahi with my experience, both through my daily job and my role as a trustee for PWC.
Jessie
“The sun will shine again so please just hold on in the darkness.” - Kat
My first son was born in 2008 following three miscarriages. The worry throughout my pregnancy overpowered the joy and the realisation that I would actually have a baby at the end! Suddenly, I found myself responsible for the little baby that cried all the time. Lack of sleep and belief in myself quickly spiralled to hallucinations and the want for someone to take my baby away. I sat in A&E and told the doctor I wished my baby would fall asleep and not wake up. I wanted things to go back to how they were. I was admitted to the Mothers and Babies unit in Christchurch where I was helped to look after my baby and my own health. Over time, and with medication and CBT treatment, things started to improve. I was very lucky to have the support of family around me. It has been a very long and ongoing journey where I have to be very aware of my mental health. It took me three years to be brave enough to have another baby. I went back on medication the day he was born as a precaution and to stop me getting as low as I did last time. I am pleased to say it was a very different story second time around. It has been incredibly hard and I still feel guilt about not loving my first baby straight away but I have learnt so much about myself and hope to share my story in order to help others to know that things will get better.
Kat
“Have a trusted group of non-judgmental friends to support you. Start taking time for yourself, find and reclaim the activities that you enjoy.” - Giarne
It really hit me that I needed help when a good friend told me that “my face was expressionless,” she said it in such a kind and loving way. She was a mum from my ante-natal group and she used to be a Plunket nurse so she helped guide me on the next steps. I took the Edinburgh Scale and took those results to my GP. I’d been expressing some distress and pain to my husband, mum, dad and to a couple of close friends but the questions on the scale helped me understand that these were things I should look at in greater depth. My first child was conceived, carried and laboured during the year of earthquakes that rattled Christchurch. I decided that I could cope without anti-depressants.
When I had my second child two years later, lots of things were easier – breastfeeding, sleep and having a home birth was very healing after a traumatic birth with our first. But the feelings of distress, despair, the inability to enjoy the good times, that was all back again, plus some much more worrying feelings of anger, resentment and panic attacks. This time I took the anti-depressants, which levelled out my feelings and enabled me to function better.
I found the Perinatal Wellbeing Canterbury support group and discovered I wasn’t the only one feeling the way I felt and the group organiser gave us many tips that I still keep in my tool belt today. There are still days I remind myself that we might need to go back to basics and not worry about the housework or lofty goals we have – just make sure we all have food, water, sleep and calm moments.
In the depths of my depression, I couldn’t remember what I liked to do to relax “before”. People offered help, I didn’t know what I needed. I created a list of things that I would do if someone offered me 15, 30, 60 mins or if I had that time free –a nap was usually top of the list, but later swimming, yoga, doing some art or journaling became more useful. I didn’t get to it every day (wish I had) but these little things started slowly making a difference.
I had a small, trusted group of non-judgemental people I could vent to. I sought counselling for old trauma. I called my husband home early if I was really struggling, I got him to tell his work what was happening and they were really supportive. I started taking time for myself on the weekends – seeing friends for a coffee, going to the art gallery, getting time for dates with hubby (the brunch date is under-rated, night times weren’t easy times for others to babysit).
Now, I try to be that non-judgemental shoulder to support others, let them know they aren’t broken, that they can recover. I talk about my situation to break up that stigma. I am still learning that I need to book in self care as a priority, not after everyone else has been looked after. I don’t feel so much shame about having less on my plate, or taking time for myself. Often mothers are the emotional barometer for the household and we need to look after ourselves in order to be there for others.
Giarne
“The journey to wellness is full of trials and tribulations, the destination to “happiness” becomes less important once you find there can be moments of joy that are like candlelight in the dark.” - Lori
My mental health has had its ups and downs since my teenage years. However, until I had children, it didn’t impact on anyone else so I could park it. If I could time travel and change one thing, it would be to have more support and understanding of matrescence – the transition to motherhood. Any trauma and adverse childhood events that haven’t been processed before you become a parent are brought to light – I was in denial though and didn’t realise how children can bring out the best and very worst in you. I am a Mum to three living children. My first baby had anencephaly, which is a fatal neural tube defect. Within four months of her death, I was pregnant with my oldest son and filled with anxiety. Every time I went to the toilet, I would check for bleeding. I didn’t expect him to live which haunted me well into the first year of his life and affected my ability to bond with him. My midwife was the same one I’d had with my first pregnancy. She knew that I was grieving but there was never any talk of mental health support. I had the backup midwife for my son’s birth – I’d been in hospital with pre-eclampsia for a week – it took four inductions, hours of labour and ended with an emergency c-section after he got stuck. I was used to the monitoring and had been told by hospital staff that if his heart rate dropped that he may be in distress. This happened while the backup midwife was out of the room. When she returned, I told her and instead of her reassuring me, she moved the monitor away so I could not see it anymore. Then she sent my husband out of the room and proceeded to lecture me that if I didn’t get my anxiety under control that I would have mental health issues for the rest of my life – this was at 2am! I recall my midwife telling me that I was a stoic – I think I was still in shock and too ashamed to admit that I had no idea what I was doing. At some point I was referred to PPAIRS through Plunket. I was told about PNAP and the CBT course but I was still in denial about having postnatal depression (PND). My solution was to return to work so I could be away from my baby. He was four months old when I went back to work. I recall a feeling of shame and not wanting to admit I had PND. I had Raynaud’s which made breastfeeding painful but this wasn’t diagnosed until I had my second son. I dreaded breastfeeding, it got so bad that I didn’t want my son to wake up. I had intrusive thoughts – these were very disturbing.
With my second son, we were part of the University of Canterbury wellbeing study so I took probiotics throughout my pregnancy. Ironically, we couldn’t be part of the micronutrient study as my mental health wasn’t bad enough at that point. I raised concerns about my previous PND but my midwife fobbed me off with a “let’s wait and see”. I changed midwives at 35 weeks but was discharged early at four weeks postpartum. This was when my son’s reflux hit. It was like he was possessed by a demon – he would scream for up to an hour before every feed. We were referred to paediatrics but they wrote to us to say he would grow out of it and refused to see him. When he was six months old, we went to a private paediatrician. He was prescribed medication and prescription formula. Overnight it was like he was a new baby. In the meantime, my mental health had deteriorated – my OCD flared up, I felt a lot of rage and I was very anxious. I had to return to work when my second son was three months old. There was a lot of pressure on me as my husband had been on ACC and was due to return to work but they had employed someone else. I had no energy, the antidepressants made it worse. Luckily, PNAP got involved and I did the CBT course which helped a lot. I also started taking Nutrient Rescue, had mirimiri and prioritised my mental health.
During my last pregnancy, I was very proactive. It was a stressful time as my husband and I separated a couple of weeks before the first lockdown. There was domestic violence and Family Court which just added to the stress. My midwife was great and put in a referral to PNAP, the hospital social worker and Plunket referred me to Comcare and Early Start. I met an amazing Lactation Consultation via a Mum’s group, Ūkaipō, and her help made breastfeeding less painful which led to an enhanced bond with my daughter. I took probiotics, magnesium, B vitamins, Nutrient Rescue and LSA and oats to help with lactation and Raynaud’s. I also attended a support group at PND Canterbury. I learnt so much through them; I didn’t realise until then that intrusive thoughts and suicide ideation are common for people with OCD. With support in place, my mental health wasn’t as bad which had positive flow-on effects for my children.
I still struggle with my mental health but I’ve realised that there’s a spectrum. The journey to wellness is full of trials and tribulations, the destination to “happiness” becomes less important once you find there can be moments of joy that are like candlelight in the dark. The key is to keep seeking the light.
Lori
“I was that girl - I was going to be a statistic! If I can do it, you can do it. Even though you don’t believe it right now, I promise you the fight is worth it! Having PND made me a better person now than I was before and I NEVER thought I would say that!” - Suzy
In 2015, I had a dream pregnancy, dream birth and a gorgeous healthy boy. Within three months of having him I felt myself going down and down - I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t even function with making a cuppa, I started to see things moving in my home - I had a 3.5 year old to care for as well - I completely fell apart.
I started thinking of suicide and how my family would be better without me. I saw myself in the tree outside my home - then I’d panic who would find me. I looked into how I could go - finally I broke and my Mum sent me to Hillmorton. They were amazing and by that night I was in Mothers and Babies - three days officially now with ZERO sleep, I was going crazy. It took a week or so, change of drugs etc…, and I knew I had to do everything I could to survive for my two boys and family and friends. I went to every appointment and took it all in best I could. I was lucky I had a good support crew that some mothers do not - I ended up being one of the lucky ones - I lived! That is the smallest snippet of my story. I got PND with my first also and lied about how I felt when really the MINUTE- that’s right the MINUTE- he was put in my arms I hated him, I didn’t want him near me - yet everyone was saying how amazing I was doing. I lied, so I knew this time to survive I had to be honest. I know I can never have another child. I know with every bone in my body I would truthfully die and leave behind a wonderful life. I am now on good meds, and yes I still have moments and fall apart but if you find this being you, please get all the help you can and please make sure you go to every appointment and trust in these experts. At times I thought it was a waste of time but these professionals and modern medicine is the reason I’m alive today.
Suzy
“Keep talking, even when it feels like no one is hearing you. Someone will and they will help you start recovering.” - Tania
I started to feel the resentment towards my baby when I was holding the positive pregnancy test. This was an unplanned pregnancy after just recovering from previous postnatal depression with my last two babies. I ended up feeling physically ill every time I felt him move. I was hospitalised at 35 weeks with complications, and I missed out on several important milestones with my other children, which made me resent this baby even more. He was an unwell baby and had several major setbacks in the first year. I was struggling with my own mental health but that kept being pushed aside by his high needs. I was receiving help as a Mothers and Babies inpatient but due to his many hospitalisations I was unable to stay there as long as I really needed. During the first two years I was in and out of respite and mental health units. The resentment was still there because it was "his fault" I was unwell and couldn't be with my family.
Luckily, I had some good supports throughout this time that kept me alive. People who didn’t give up on me, even though I had given up on myself. They wouldn't let me stop living. These friends, family and my community case workers gave not only emotional support, but also took care of my practical needs, so all I had to do was keep breathing.
The turning point for me was when I started receiving treatment from the community mental health clinical team. A psychiatry review put me on different medications that helped my mood lift enough to become receptive to the support I was receiving. Having regular therapy sessions from a psychologist was the most helpful thing in my recovery. He wouldn’t let me cancel appointments and seemed to genuinely care about my mental health. It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t a quick fix. For the first year of treatment someone had to physically take me there to make sure I went.
Now, two and a half years on, I can look back and see how far I’ve come. I had to make the changes and take control of my own recovery before anything started getting better. I started making myself spend more time with my son to get to know him as a person, not just as the “thing that caused all my problems”. Slowly I grew to like him, then started feeling protective of him, and now can say that I fully love him. While I no longer blame him for me becoming unwell, the resentment does still come to the surface when things get hard and I’m going through a stressful time. This is something that I know I will always have to manage and it’s part of choosing to stay well. There is no end point for my recovery. I choose to keep myself mentally healthy every day using the tools and techniques I learned during my treatment. I’ve had to redefine what mentally healthy looks like for me, and I’m at peace with that now.
Tania