BLUE STORIES
Here are a selection of the inspiring stories that have been shared with The Blue Stories Project: journeys out of perinatal depression in collaboration with Well Women Franklin in the Auckland region. Ngā mihi nui to all who have contributed.
“It makes sense that you feel this way, given the situation and given your story.” - Neala
When I had my baby, I had very little support here in Auckland, just my husband. My baby cried for hours every day and I felt like no-one wanted to help. People would just say that it's normal for babies to cry, like I wasn't good enough at handling it or at settling him. Even my Plunket nurse said “babies cry” and left me to it.
I had heard about Well Women Franklin supporting women with postnatal distress, and after a lot of thought and talking with a trusted friend, I decided to go. I went to a few sessions and for most of them I felt too wound-up to speak. After one session, I sat down with one of the facilitators and told her about a particularly bad episode I’d had the past weekend, and about being unable to physically move when things got really tough. She suggested I talk with my GP about this as well and asked whether anxiety had been part of my life before having my baby.
This conversation sparked my journey. The small question about anxiety had suddenly put a lot of things into place - a lot of things about me started to make sense, like how I worried, ruminated, withdrew, and sometimes even felt scared of speaking. I talked to my GP and she referred me to Maternal Mental Health, from there I received a lot more support - talk therapy, medication (and it was my choice whether to go with it), and learning groups with other mums who were also having a tough time.
I found people who understood what it was like, and I learned skills to help me manage when things got really hard. I felt like my feelings were taken seriously, and that I had finally found people who believed me when I said I was having a hard time. I also learned about my values and how they can help me navigate my anxiety and my self-belief.
The two courses I attended through Maternal Mental Health were invaluable. The first was on Anxiety, and the second was on Self Compassion. I learned a lot about both of these topics, but Self Compassion and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy in particular. It was all about recognising my inner critic, and rewriting the script that I say to myself, because I was very hard on myself. It took a lot of practice, and my inner voice is much kinder to me now.
My baby improved slowly until we tried probiotics at nine months, which is when he became a new baby overnight - smiling and laughing. I couldn’t believe the difference.
My support crew now looks a little different: my husband, but also Well Women, my GP, our daycare, and a few friends, some from groups, and a couple of old friends who stepped up when I opened up about living with anxiety.
There are still hard times but I am now better equipped to deal with them. I now keep a journal with the things I’ve learned from Well Women, Maternal Mental Health groups, and counselling. And now that I know my values, I am a stronger person. I know when my values are crossed and I speak up.
Neala
“Be kind to yourself. It's OK to put yourself first.” - Haley
I can still remember the hollowness in my chest. The numbness of my emotions, an attempt to drown out the guilt and emptiness I felt growing more each day. The self-loathing every time I looked at my children and didn't feel anything. Not even love. I thought I was a monster. "What kind of mother can't feel love for her own children?" I'd think. There were days I would consider leaving them with their father at home and never going back because I thought I didn't deserve them and I couldn't be the person they needed. I had high expectations of what a good mother should be. I thought I'd failed. It was only when I found the Well Women Support Group and I opened up about my feelings that I received the advice that would change my path forever and set me on the journey of recovery. I'll never forget the facilitator telling me "Haley, it's not that you don't love your children. It's that love is a huge emotion. To feel love takes ENERGY. Right now you are stripped to the bone. You are exhausted. There is nothing in your tank to GIVE. That doesn't mean your love isn't still there. It just means that you need to fill your cup first. Put yourself first. Replenish your needs". It was such a huge relief to hear. I wasn't a monster after all. I was just exhausted. After that, I made an effort to put myself first. I started scheduling time for myself. I put the kids in daycare for 4hrs a day during the week and used that time to either sleep, shower, tidy, go to the gym, meditate, read or whatever I felt my body needed for that 4hrs. It was a time dedicated to purely just my needs. As the weeks went by I slowly found my energy returning to me. It became easier to parent the kids. I'd even catch little glimpses of love or joy arising when I looked at them. Until eventually I was able to feel love along with all the other emotions that I was once numb to. It was in those moments I realised I wasn't broken. I was just too hard on myself thinking that I had to be everything to everybody. My expectations were way too high. It was like expecting myself to drive 100km on an empty tank of gas. I felt I had to be the perfect housewife, the perfect mother and put-together as a woman, all at the expense of my mental health.
If I have any advice it’s don't feel guilty if your house is a mess, if you can't feel love, if you can't summon the energy to brush your teeth or take a shower! Instead mentally hug and hold yourself with compassion like you would if your child were crying. But most of all… don't feel guilty for putting yourself first!
Haley
“Speak to your GP or to mental health providers if you feel overwhelmed with parenting.” - Sela
I reached a boiling point a few weeks after my son turned one in 2019 where I was angry at the little things such as someone putting a mug back in the cupboard in a way I didn't like. I wasn't myself and when I noticed that anger grow bigger, I spoke to my husband about it, and he confirmed it was out of character. He talked me into seeking professional medical help and I agreed. The first medical practitioner I saw I wasn't honest with. I played down how I was really feeling and didn't share enough of what was going on for her to help me. I wasn't ready for the help. It was not until my husband found a psychiatrist who specialises in Pacific mothers and their mental health that I became cooperative and shared everything about how I felt. I've been on medication since 2019, which has allowed me to work on healing my brain and reshaping how I approach things. I'm grateful I got the help that I needed to heal.
Sela
“You deserve help and support, keep looking and trying even though you are exhausted. You are worth it.” - Cathy
Hitting my rock bottom and realising that this wasn't OK and something had to change. Talking to my GP and others and trying to find the best options for help for me, finding the words to say how I was feeling and finding the best strategies and tools for me, along with good support from family and friends, allowed me to start the climb out of what was one of the hardest periods of my life, but also the most life changing. I know without a doubt, I would not be here today doing what I do without that experience.
Cathy
“Let it come, let it be, let it go.” - Kate
I felt like I was living in a theme park that no one wanted to attend - The Infertility Rollercoaster. Next ride, Endometriosis Bumper Boats then the Blame Train to Nowhere! There were four years of more lows than highs. Within those years, I suffered countless let-downs from the system, medical professionals and, disappointingly, my own body. The burden was on me and I blamed myself. Dark thoughts haunted me and the ‘black dog’ was circling. Depression has always been a part of me, lurking in the shadows and surprising me at different times throughout my life.
Eventually the dark stormy clouds rolled away, allowing the sun to peek through. Finally, after a successful round of IVF, I was pregnant. While depression took a back seat, anxiety took over. The whole nine months was like living on the edge of a cliff. My heart settled in my throat, it was difficult to breathe and I couldn’t sleep. Fear crippled me, I thought the worst. Vivid and unimaginable thoughts took over my mind.
And then my baby boy arrived. My anxiety took a back seat, next to depression. I knew they were there but I was in the driver’s seat; I was in control. Seven months later, after years of infertility specialists telling my husband and I that we couldn’t fall pregnant without IVF, I was pregnant again. I was in disbelief. I was confused, I had lost control, and I became panicked; this wasn’t my plan. Then, vulnerable and in despair, anxiety came back with a vengeance. She was here to stay. All the feelings and thoughts I had in my last pregnancy were back ten times worse than before.
Baby number two arrived and so did sleep deprivation. Depression was feeling left out so he decided to join the party too. I was a mess. I was at the bottom of a cliff, surrounded by darkness and fog, and storm clouds followed my every move – I couldn’t see a way out. After years of wishing, praying, and longing to be a mum, I didn’t want this. I felt like I had lost my identity, I felt like I had lost my friends, I mourned my social life and financial freedom. Nothing came easy. Breastfeeding was a nightmare, I couldn’t switch off, I was mentally and physically exhausted.
I still remember the crisis call I made to Well Women Franklin for help. Jane was a breath of fresh air. The phone call was life-changing. I could feel the numbness fading and a little shine of light was shimmering through the darkness. I felt hope. The phone call was the start of my PND journey with Well Women Franklin. After that, I attended a support meeting each week. Friendships grew and I felt at home. They fast became my family, my sisters. I was with my people – they understood me, and I understood them.
Well Women has been heavily involved in my journey to recovery. For years I attended weekly group meetings. I learnt to recognise destructive behaviours and patterns. I learnt to love myself and I realised I am enough, I believed in myself. Nowadays, more light shines through and there are more bright days than dark. I feel myself constantly healing by using the strategies I’ve learned.
Facilitated by Jane, Well Women offered a coaching programme that I attended. The coaching programme was life-changing and uplifting. I will forever be grateful for the support I received from everyone during my darkest days. I am most thankful for Well Women. Thank you for the learnings, the friendships, and the unconditional love.
Kate
“Find your pathway to bloom brighter.” - Anonymous
I was elated to be finally expecting my own child, I would get to be a Mum. My pregnancy was very difficult. We were in hospital at different times for either myself or baby and my obstetrician regularly liaised with the hospital pain team to prescribe pain meds. Although I did not realise it at the time, I was spiralling into depression.
Three days after my baby was born after a traumatic birth, I walked out of the maternity unit leaving my baby behind - I had had enough, I was done! Eventually, I returned, not for my baby, but for my husband. The staff stepped in, giving us space without baby and having Maternal Mental Health (MMH) visit us immediately. Through my husband’s humour and daily visits initially from the MMH team then weekly visits and attending the courses they offered, we survived the first year, although blurry, we survived.
I then became aware of the most amazing support group, Well Women Franklin. Without this team of ladies, who are available by telephone and run group sessions, I would not be as far through my journey of recovery as I am today. The safe space to talk about anything with others who completely understand and, if wanted, can offer advice without judgement, was a true life-saver for our family. Sharing my story, concerns, fears and joys and listening to others, along with offering and listening to others’ advice, has been a huge step in my recovery. Knowing I was not alone with what I was experiencing and gaining others’ insight helped normalise this new world of motherhood for me.
Along with Well Women Franklin came socialisation and people to catch up with outside of Group - the social aspect has been helpful in finding myself my new 'tribe'.
It has taken time but with the support of others, remembering what it is that I enjoy and navigating a new pathway, postnatal depression is continually diminishing and our family keeps flourishing and blooming brighter.
Anonymous
“We are the captain, the general and the soldiers of our lives. Never ever give up!” - Meena
I am still suffering from depression. I lost a baby at nine weeks in 2019, which triggered severe depression. I was unfit for work, unable to function, take calls or reply to texts or even get out of bed. I was referred to Awhinatia Mental Health Support where I met my peer support, Rose Norton. Luckily for me, my mother was here for a vacation at that time, for seven weeks. Rose and Ma saved my life. Stayed with me everyday, and motivated me to join the world of living. Rose asked me to join Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP), anxiety and depression courses to help me cope and maintain my mental health. They both believed I could get pregnant again, and I had my rainbow baby. This pregnancy was also not easy, with preeclampsia and baby being delivered in the first level 4 lockdown without any family in 2020. I have learnt to maintain my depression with regular chants, music and singing loudly at home. Regular medications and Well Women meet ups have helped me. I'm slowly building my self confidence again to make new friends and get out.
Meena
“Know your feelings are valid, your depression doesn’t mean anything about you. Just like any health condition, you need the right support to heal. Get to know yourself better, so you can find healing in the way that's best for you.” - Anonymous
Like most stories of this nature, mine is both unique and full of all the common threads we see in mental health like shame, frustration and denial. I have never been formally diagnosed with perinatal depression and I feel sad that I clung so tightly to this not being my story. I denied myself the proper help and support I needed because I did not categorise myself as someone with a mental health condition. I was afraid of being seen as incompetent, not "myself" and of being pressured into taking medication.
When my son was born six years ago, into the world via emergency C-section, I was devastated. I struggled to comprehend how this had unfolded. My wee boy was not what I had imagined. He was unhappy, crying all the time and had low weight. I struggled to bond with him and enjoy him. I felt disgusted with myself and obsessed with the birth. I was surrounded with the most amazing help but I was still highly anxious, sick to my stomach and lost. No one could understand why I couldn't let go of his birth. They were all so besotted with him, while I looked on feeling empty inside. As time went on things did improve but there were some incredibly dark days where I felt like I was losing the plot, especially when the crying was non-stop. Every time I went out it felt like a disaster and my feelings of failure only cemented further. My husband didn't understand and had no idea what to do. He was so bonded to our son, and I was grateful for that. I still wish he had been better able to support me but, like so many partners, he didn't have the tools.
As my son grew into a toddler, and I started Playcentre, I was exposed to a new way of looking at children. Playcentre also provided me with the type of village I needed to get through the next chapter in a way that was helpful to me. I began to see that so many of my ideas about parenting (and life in general!) were based on my need to be in control all of the time. I was constantly meeting resistance because I couldn't allow things to just unfold. My journey improved again when I worked with a Mindset Coach and opened my mind up to a whole new way of thinking. I started living in a conscious way, getting to know myself and learning when my thoughts weren't helpful.
I'm now a mother of two and have enjoyed being a mum so much more, not letting routines or ideals get in the way of enjoying my children. I still have a tendency to control things but the difference is that now I'm aware and I'm working on it. I'm working on a lot of things and learning a lot. Sometimes this type of growth is painful but I'm so grateful for my experiences as I may never have gone on this beautiful journey of self-discovery without them.
Anonymous
You deserve to be happy. Quote by Elbert Hubbard: “Happiness is a habit—cultivate it.” - Maraea
I had support from Maternity Mental Health Services for about a year. It was extremely helpful (while it lasted) and I also got put on medication. I was absolutely against the medication the first time I was prescribed it. By the second time I needed it so I tried it and it was exactly what I needed.
Maraea
Find the safe place you can breathe and have your own body and brain space. In that space you may realise what you need, what will serve you, what will be helpful and that we don’t deserve to feel and think this way in our motherhood story. There is a path through.
- Anonymous
I realise my postnatal distress really started with the fertility journey to motherhood. I had six natural miscarriages then two lifethreatening ectopic pregnancies which meant IVF was the only option to motherhood left. I did feel so lucky and grateful that I finally had a successful pregnancy and birth. But I was not flooded with lovely juicy oxytocin bonding love-drunk moments from birth. I was terrified it was too good to be true and somehow this baby’s life would also be fleeting. It was made worse when I finally gave my baby to the maternity ward nurses on the second night so I could actually sleep instead of hyper-vigilantly watching and listening to his every breath. Unfortunately, they woke me from my first sleep in days to say the ambulance has been called, we are headed to NICU. PTSD kicked in here. I was stricken. This cocktail I believe contributed greatly to my PND henceforth. It was also enhanced by a feeling of lack of multi-generational support "where are the aunties and grandmothers? Where are they? I’m crumbling by myself and I have no idea what I’m doing or where my motherly intuition is." The baby cards and gifts kept coming, “finally all you wanted," "much loved baby," "you never gave up, now the miracle and joy." I wanted and worked for this baby, for this life, but I felt it left no room for me to say “actually I’m suffering, I need a recovery, I’m out of my depth, I don’t like it.” I equally was so glad of my son but I loathed myself for creating what felt like the biggest mistake of my life, one I can’t give back. How could I want and love and at the same time suffer and feel scared and pain all the time.
But I winced and grimaced when breastfeeding, it was scary to hear him cry knowing I had to brace for my own agony to feed and care for my baby. I was hallucinating when sleeping so became afraid to sleep. I was dreading the pain of feeding my baby, I felt like I should know my motherly instinct. I was so triggered by his incessant crying, I had urges to throw him out his two storey window, to while driving endlessly to induce elusive baby sleep I considered veering to the ditch. I didn’t want to die, rather just make it all STOP. One night I broke into floods of tears on my stairwell after a lactation consultant visited and I calculated if I followed her advice it was more than a 24 hour days worth of tasking and trying. Where was time for me, a shower, a life or moment of peace and calm for me? So I 'caved' and bawled my eyes out feeling like an utter failure introducing bottle to mix-feed. One night, waking to baby, I felt so overwhelmed it was all on me, my husband grumbled about being awake and I saw red. I had the urge to shove him downstairs, I screamed, “I hate you, I hate this, I don’t care!!” Ashamedly but felt no other option but to storm out of the house in PJs and just drive away. I only made it out of the garage and around the cul-de-sac when I realised I had nowhere to go anyhow. Don’t get me wrong, I still from the outside seemed like a 'good mum,' cute clothes, going to Mum ‘n’ Bub classes, cultivating coffee group, reading and playing, singing, baby got all he needed. Nestled in the feathers on the back of swan mother’s back. But underwater my swan mother’s legs were paddling furiously and running on fumes in who knew what direction.
I knew I needed help. Every single day I wanted help. I just wasn’t sure how, what type, from who. I craved someone else to step into my body and just take the controls. Midwife helped but also they sign off after six weeks, which was still just the very very start. Plunket were impersonal and out-dated and I found them too prescriptive and rigid and the ‘it-works-for-most’ approach unhelpful for me. I felt too scared and it was very early on at the six week GP visit to fill out the form while baby gets immunised. Again, too formal and impersonal, so tried to say “yes, I’m struggling but surely it’s going to get better etc.” My husband took a couple days off work after I left in the night. Baby was approx 14 weeks old. We tried a Plunket house that teaches baby to sleep (rock pram over jandle), at least it worked. Silence. We rang our old fertility counsellor for a private session. I trusted her and missed her. She flagged up on our second visit. “This is beyond me, you need other help” and referred me to Maternal Mental Health. My fears of being exposed as ‘crazy mum who can’t cope’ were realised but I also felt relief, someone finally saw my plight and it might not have to be this forever. I sourced a number for local Well Women Franklin and three days later walked into first group. Baby was 26 weeks four days three hours old and I finally handed baby to the childminders, had my hands free, my senses were my own, my brain space was my own and I was in such a real, authentic, vulnerable caring space. I had arrived. This was when healing could start for me. The group helped me navigate Maternal Mental Health to get the best out of the services available. Without their top, insightful advice, I would have got subpar help from the public service.
The healing, wisdom, learning, practising began. I found values, sleep and space again. I even went on to be brave enough to have another IVF attempt and have another wonderful baby....but that’s another story, but it all ends well.
Anonymous